Fug Me Friday: Fug on the Edge

Remember Dirty Dancing? If you haven’t seen it, quit reading this blog right now, for you are not my people. Or quit reading it, go see it, and come back to reading my blog. Okay, it’s just us cool kids now. So, remember that scene where Lisa Houseman was practicing her slightly off-key hula song, and then dropped the bomb that she was going to do a little dirty sheet dancing with that preppy waiter guy?


Note her shorts. Fish shorts. Shorts with fish on them. Or, as I see every time I look at it: fish crotch.



The latest thing seems to be a slightly more fragrant version of fish crotch: floral crotch.

Skinny floral pants seem to be cropping up as we head into spring, and I just don’t know if I can support this at all. First of all, LiLo is wearing it. That has to be a bad sign. Never trust a girl who is quickly turning herself into Donatella Versace.

She’s not the only starlet around town rocking the trend. It’s out there.

I can’t help but think of all the pitfalls of this look, however. Heaven forbid you get a wedgie; you’d look like you were using your crack for a vase!

Not to mention how rich a mine this would be for the wags who wants to joke about your “lady garden”.

Those young folks.

And Charlotte Church is rocking a rather 90’s version of the trend. I think I owned these in college. Stop going through my trash, C.C.!

I do have to give Mr. Steven Tyler some props. It takes some balls to wear florals. I’m not saying they look good, though.

Sometimes I look at the floral pants and think, “maybe I’ll eventually like them.” Next summer, or even later this year. But then I think, “if the Material Girl couldn’t even do them justice in her prime, what hope do the rest of us have?”

Floral skinnies? Fishcrotch? Would you try either? What if you could carry a watermelon?


Grammy Fashion BOMBS

What exactly is the dress code for the Grammys? We have full length gowns on some, semi-nudity on others, and jeans and t-shirts on some. It does lend itself to more fashion risks, but some have gone right on over the edge! Last night’s Grammy awards had some real fashion flops. I decided to pick out some of the offenders, re-style them in high-end fashion, and find a budget alternative to my re-style.

Let’s start with Rebecca Black.

Love her or hate her, she’s ridden her song and her grudge all the way to the Grammys. But she decided to show up as a goth cupcake, with shoes that match the red carpet.

Rebecca Black Grammy

Alice Olivia tiered dress, $645
Miss Me embellished dress, $44
Badgley Mischka blue pumps, $210

I think the tiers could be taken down a bit. I would put her in a young, fresh, Alice + Olivia dress in blue, with a lighter blue shoe that would pop on the red carpet. Less cupcake, more fashionable.

Next up, Bonnie Raitt. That lady is the opposite of Rebecca Black–she’s been to a few Grammy awards in her time, and she has a ton of talent. But Contempo Casual called, and they want their pants set back.

Bonnie Raitt Grammy

Fitted sheath dress, $40
L Agence bodycon dress, $495
Haider Ackermann coat, €3.150

Sure, she’s of an age where it’s probably better to get a little more coverage, but how about taking the gathered copper shirt and trading it out for a metallic sheath? A jacket with copper accents would be perfectly age-appropriate, too.

Speaking of age-appropriate, good mercy, Sheila E.! How can you go out in your shorts? They are so not appropriate for a woman in her 50’s. This is not living The Glamorous Life, lady!

Sheila E.

Alexander McQueen belted dress, $4,970
Dorothy Perkins belted dress, $35

Let’s ditch the whole “tux jacket and shorts” thing (played out!) entirely. And the color white. Sure, you got a pair of great pins, but play up your gracefulness instead. Yellow would be a great color for her, and a chiffon dress is stylish, but again, age and body-appropriate.

How about Fergie? She decided to use a doily tablecloth with puffed sleeves! Sounds so gracious and old-fashioned, only she forgot to put anything under it. But hey, she remembered her Grammy panties! Nope, sorry–those are her GRANNY panties.

Fergie Grammy

Color block dress, $22
Roksanda Ilincic block dress, $1,538

I love the orange. I wanted to use that as a starting place. Maybe the dress is a little conservative for Fergie, but it’s so beautifully draped, and the color next to the face is so stunning. She could style it up and make it fantastic. It definitely would be a step up from what she actually wore.

Snooki, international reality “star” and Jersey Girl, showed up in a skin-tight dress that made her boobs look wonky. Sorry. I think I’ve seen her in every iteration of this long-sleeved cheap jersey dress.

Snooki Grammy

Hervé Léger rayon dress, £538
RHYTHM bright colored dress, $43
Hervé Léger rayon dress, £538

If you’re going skintight, then go to the master of skintight–Herve Leger. The stripes here are fantastic, and the pattern makes the body look like a classic hourglass. But for goodness sake, choose the right size, rather than 2 sizes too small!

Choreographer LaurieAnn Gibson was obviously going for a badass look. Leather, leather, leather, black and red, spikes, and an a-ti-tude. First of all, it reads a little too “pleather”, and a lot too “Matrix”.

LaurieAnn Gibson Grammy

Chloé cap sleeve dress, £620
Dorothy Perkins creme dress, $29
Sam Edelman high heel shoes, $243
Studded shoes, $46

I’m not opposed to some leather. But make it in an unusual shape. Juxtapose hard and soft: a full skirt and light color in leather, a feminine shoe with spikes.

The train wreck of all train wrecks–sorry, my dear, you’re very talented–was Robyn. This pop singer showed up in a white dress, with a short dress, with a train, with a Hanes t-shirt neck, with the ugliest shoes ever. It was hideous. She looked washed out and weird.

Robyn Grammy

River Island one shoulder dress, $39
Halston long ball gown, £626

I didn’t even know where to start here. I took the idea of asymmetry, but that was pretty much it. A Halston dress with asymmetric sleeves in a beautiful color seemed like a major upgrade, both for her skin and her body. (Just a note about the budget version–it is see-through. Please don’t wear it as such. Be an old-fashioned lady, and put a slip on under it.)

Other observations about Grammy Style:

* Anne V, Adam Levine’s girlfriend, had a slit in her dress so high and deep that I’m pretty sure I know what the “V” stands for.
*Whiz Khalifa needs some concealer for those undereye circles.
*Love Swizz Beatz purple jacket. Not so much his purple tie.
*I love that Diana Krall and Elvis Costello are still married. They both need a little fizz in their fashion, though.
*CoCo (as in Ice Loves CoCo) needs to learn what all big-bosomed ladies need to learn: a bra-style top will never fit right.
*Sasha Gradiva, were you not loved enough as a child? Is that the reason for the attention-seeking?
*Confession: I loved Katy Perry’s whole look. Even though it was a little “Marge Simpson”.
*Kings of Leon are pretty.
*Yvette Nicole Brown, I see you holding your dress away from your body so it doesn’t cling to the wrong spots. I’m guilty of doing that myself. But how about just wearing a different dress, girl?
*I think it’s kind of hilarious that Deadmau5 wore a tee-shirt with Skrillex’s real phone number on it. Even though I don’t really know who either of those two people are, and I had to look up that information.
*Nicki Minaj needs to go to confession just for wearing that outfit. But her new boyfriend seems nice.

Check out some Grammy fashion on People.com.
Grammy fashion loves and hates, anyone?

Fug Me Friday: Crocs

Let’s get it out there right now, shall we? I DON’T CARE THAT THEY’RE COMFORTABLE. If the experience was like being carried by a host of angels while having soft kittens undulating softly underfoot, I still wouldn’t wear them. Well, maybe, but only at home. Never out.

They are foam. They are neon colored. They have ventilation holes, which don’t actually prevent your feet from being smelly. The toe box is slightly flared, making your feet look cartoonish. To me, this is a whole host of reasons to avoid Crocs, but some celebrities persist.

Signs of a marriage in trouble?

Apparently, Brooke Shields even thinks that they are formal wear. But it does solve the whole dilemma of what shoes to wear with a bright pink circus tent.

If you do persist, you will have to bear the ignominy of sharing the same footwear brand as Iggy Pop and Steven Tyler. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

*Exceptions: You may wear Crocs if you are:
–A Chef
–A Child

That’s it.

Fug Me Friday: Forever Lazy

There’s nothing like a day off to catch up on some daytime television. While watching HGTV on Monday while I was off for Columbus Day, I saw this commercial:

And I DIED. I thought a Snuggie was bad! But this is like an Extreme Snuggie–for when you’re too lazy to take your arms out and throw the Snuggie off to walk around.

Basically, this is a less-sexy version of a Union Suit. (Let’s not get into why the Union Suit can be sexy. I’m an old fashioned girl. Who used to have romantic notions about Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Okay?) A Union Suit is ye olde underwear that is all one piece, and very handy for the colder climes in winter.

Maybe they're sexy because right after this they took those suits off and went to breakfast naked except for blankets. Maybe?

But let’s be honest. This is not so much a Union Suit with its accompanying hint of the male form as much as an adult footy pajama. In a limited color selection. Without the feet.

Two things about this commercial, and the Forever Lazy, that baffle me are as follows:

PEOPLE ARE PICTURED OUTSIDE IN THESE ABOMINATIONS. Get off your deck, sir and madam, for the neighbors are laughing at you.

Not only are people outside, it is advertised as being appropriate for tailgating. Ladies, if you are wearing these to go tailgating, go ahead and stay at home. It’s better. And gentlemen, if you are wearing a Forever Lazy to a sporting event, you may no longer call yourself a real man. Get someone to cut your balls off and you can carry them around in a satin pouch. GAME OVER.

The second shocking Forever Lazy feature: a BUTT FLAP. When you are too lazy to take off your lazy clothes to take a lazy bathroom break. Just don’t get too lazy to pull the zipper down all the way, k?


Fug Me Friday: Jumpsuits

Horrified. HORRIFIED. That’s the only way to describe my reaction when I saw this video.

First of all, I didn’t need to hear Andre Leon Talley yelling “JUST VOID!” Nor did I need the pee-pee dance or the toilet noise. But mostly, I didn’t need the proclamation that jumpsuits are NOT going away! They are so many shades of wrong.

Tyra got obsessed with the jumpsuit a couple of “cycles” ago on ANTM, and I remember my friend Olivia and I totally making fun of them.

Because they’re ridiculous. And camel toe is prevalent. And they’re ugly.

The jumpsuit has embraced the weird. Tight legs, angular lines, shiny fabrics.

I’ve worn a jumpsuit in my day. I have. But they cannot come back! Soon it will come full circle, and like me, you’ll be wearing a pinstripe palazzo pant jumpsuit. SAY NO.

Oh, Tina Fey, I love you. Why do you do this?