Beauty Products That Get My Inner Feminist in a Lather (NSFW)

(Well, sort of safe for work. But better safe than sorry, so I’m marking this post NSFW. MILESTONE! My first naughty post!)

Of course I love beauty products. I am a curious soul, and I want to try new things. But this new “beauty line” makes me all feminist ragey.

Enter I Love My Muff. Available in Blue and Green, these kits offer several “beauty products” for your lady bits, including “fresh wipes” “clean wash”, “pure spray” and “soft lotion”.

Heaven forbid I appear to be a hippie, but why do I need to maintain my vajay? Let alone DAILY? According to gynecology, my lady garden tends itself. It is the ultimate in low-maintenance gardening–keep the topiary in shape, and the rest is on autopilot.

What offends me is the persistent notion that lady parts are gross, and we need to do something about them, ultimately to persuade the opposite sex that they want to go to there. As if it weren’t bad enough that the nicknames for the nether regions (beef curtains, gash, slash, c*nt, etc.) are disgusting or violent (or refer to it being nothing more than a garage for a penis). But now we’re told that we need four different products just to keep that business in working order.

Let us also note the product names have descriptors; “fresh”, “clean”, and “pure” are three of them. Would that not stand to reason that the underlying message is that you are none of these things? A call to decency for those gross slags out there with nasty undercarriages?

Oh, and let us talk about “Blue” and “Green”. Green takes the obvious route: green for go–a.k.a. gettin’ it ON. Sexsexsex. The blurb says “Green means ‘go’ and this sweet blend will help get you there. With an irresistable fusion of vanilla, grapefruit and ylang ylang there’s no telling where it will take you.” And the Blue is for sad vaj. It promises to elevate your mood, via your hoohah. Reminds me of that episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte is diagnosed with a depressed vagina.

So, essentially, you’re either having sex, or you’re depressed. Seriously? That’s all my choices? I can’t have a “Congratulations you got into grad school!” treat for my vag, or a “So you’re going through a dry spell, but you’re very productive at work right now!” cleansing kit? I guess I’m either getting fucked, or just plain fucked.

The last thing that bothers me is this bit of genius: “It’s no longer taboo and with it’s clean packaging and bold message these products are a statement of confidence and a must have for every woman.” No, I’m not just bugged because they used “it’s” instead of “its”. It is the fact that they are using our insecurity about the look, smell, or cleanliness of our bodies and dressing up their product as a mark of self-confidence, when it is the opposite. Also the idea that it is a “must have for every woman” is fallacious. This is not a live-or-die product. It is just a douche by another name. And I tend to stay away from douches of all varieties.

What do you think? Am I overreacting? Would you try these products? Is your hoohah blue? (If so, try singing it a little song. Just a thought.)

*Related: Please don’t send me to Douche Island. Would one require a douche canoe there?

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5 thoughts on “Beauty Products That Get My Inner Feminist in a Lather (NSFW)

  1. I’m with you Freya, this makes me angry. Selling me $42 worth of products for my vagina won’t put a man in my bed. It also won’t make my vagina any less depressed or blue. I hate that it makes me feel like it’s wrong to be the way I am naturally. I already do so much to pretty myself up, I draw the line at making my vajay-jay smell like vanilla and ylang ylang. I’m in the same boat as your Lady Doctor. A vagina is self cleaning, no assistance needed. When you start messing with it is when you have problems.

  2. This post is so funny. I love your outraged tone. 🙂 Now you’ve got me all intrigued by said product. I’m tempted to order it just to see what exactly is being offered. Heh-heh.

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