Fug Me Friday: Too Tight, Too Short Dresses

While watching Jersey Shore yesterday, I commented to my Shore-watching gChat partner, Danielle, that I’m sick of seeing Snooki looking like a sausage in a too-tight casing.  Her preference seems to be the super-tight dresses where if she moves her thighs apart more than two inches, the whole thing rides up her hips and shows her “kooka”.

It absolutely does her figure no favors.  Her best looks have been when she’s in something non-stretch, but apparently dresses with Lycra go best with ratty foam slippers.  Unfortunately, she’s not the only celebrity who seems to think that stretch is best.

I have nothing against Kim Kardashian.  I think she’s a gorgeous girl with an ass that won’t quit.  I actually am glad she is proud of showing off her figure.  But there’s a difference between choosing dresses that are tailored to your figure and ones that cling to everything.  This particular dress looks like it’s cutting into her cleavage.

Katy Perry’s latex dress phase was scary.  I doubt that girl could have eaten more than a peanut before wearing one of these.  One wonders how she could get the lung capacity in a dress this tight to sing her songs live!  I feel like at the end of the night, as Russell Brand helped her peel her clothing off, she would be left with livid red marks on her boobs and her thighs from the compression.

I’ve always felt Mariah Carey’s wardrobe reflects her madness.  Anyone else out there remember when she was first on the scene, with her glass-shattering voice and her marriage to Tommy Mottola?  She was all demure and sweet.  Then she got a divorce and became her “own woman”, and then did that song where she was all hoochie-dressed and singing with Ol’ Dirty Bastard?  Since then, her wardrobe choices have been all about the tight and short.  And they all seem to be the same size, regardless of whether she is the same size.  You would think that her post-Glitter ice cream meltdown on MTV would have taught her something.

I loved Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wardrobe on Ghost Whisperer.  The drapey dresses, the long coats, the neo-Victorian ruffles that at the same time were combined with modern elements to make them fresh.  If only she could carry over some of that flattering style into her real life.  After being criticized for being fat in a bikini, she seems to have struck back by becoming waifish and wearing bandage dresses.  This may be how she landed her Golden-Globes nominated TV Movie role where she plays a hooker who “kind-touches” clients because the economy went south.  (Side note: SERIOUSLY, Hollywood Foreign Press?)

This has to be the most egregious incident of tight-dressery.  This is an actual Mark Fast runway show, where gorgeous model Crystal Renn has been shoved into dresses that show her every bump and lump.  I understand that his message was supposed to be embracing the larger body, and showing that his dresses don’t just look good on stick-thin models, but seriously?  Who would want this?  No wonder Renn looks miserable.

Ladies of the world, let this be a lesson to you.  Don’t trust Herve Leger.  Find clothes that fit impeccably; don’t default to the Lycra.