Starf*cker Much?

I love Lucky Magazine.  I really do.  It’s a magazine about shopping, which happens to be one of my favorite pastimes.  It points me to new websites, deals, and shops that I might not have considered before.  All good things.  So, when I took the new November issue into the bathroom for an initial perusal tonight (don’t judge, you know you do it too!) I expected only good things.

"Blah blah blah numbers blah"

This month Kristen Bell is on the cover.  Aside from her slightly overpumped upper lip, she looks good.  I like the ring on her index finger (sorry, Kristen Stewart made me want an index finger ring in Twilight, and I haven’t gotten over it).  She looks fall-appropriate.  I like the Lucky celebrity approach–unlike InStyle, where celebrities dominate every page, Lucky has a more reserved style.

I flip open the magazine to page 48 (just past all the initial ads), and there’s a feature on Roxane Mesquida, who is apparently an “up-and-coming” French actress.  What is her favorite LA store?  ANTHROPOLOGIE.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Anthro, but really?  Out of all the boutiques or designer stores you could pick, you pick a chain?  She also is totally into “big T-shirts with leggings and boots.”  Need I quote Fug Girls here?  Does she not know that LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS?  She proceeds to give some earth-shattering advice:  heavier makeup on LIPS and EYES, and MINISKIRTS MAKE YOUR LEGS LOOK LONGER.  I’m sorry for the shouty caps, but are you EFFING KIDDING ME?  The mystique of stylish French woman has just been busted.

"Fine. I get it. You don't want to go to the Hollywood Olive Garden with me."

Flip a couple more pages, and the advice gets even more ludicrous.  Your dress code is now casual?  Wear jeans!  Your bra strap rides up?  Get a smaller band size!  You can get cheap accessories at Forever 21!  Grass is green!  The sky is blue!

Then comes the behind-the-scenes with Kristen Bell page, with the most obnoxious sidebar ever, called “the day in numbers” (no capital letters, of course.)

100: Age in years of the cognac diamond in the engagement ring Dax Shepard gave to Bell.

30: Minutes late Bell arrived due to traffic.

25: Minutes late the crew arrived due to LA traffic.

3: Salads served for lunch (arugula, beet, lentil).

1 to 2: Number of spinach galettes Bell took from the buffet table (dissecting one to figure out how to make it at home).

1: Number of bags of protein powder Bell consumes in a day.

11: Obnoxious, fatuous “fun facts” that the Lucky sidebar subjected me to.

However, I do want to enter this competition at Sunglass Hut to be a fashion blogger.  It includes $100,000 prize, $1000 monthly allowance, and an apartment in New York City.  Maybe this blog post totally ripping on the magazine they choose to advertise in would be a great introduction…

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2 thoughts on “Starf*cker Much?

  1. 0: number of times i will now read Lucky Magazine
    2: number of leggings that I wear as pants. (love me through it)
    4: number of times i threw up in my mouth at how perfect Kristen Bell appears
    100: number of minutes i laughed cause she has to marry Dax Shepard now.

    ps– GO FOR IT!
    pps– i like that your random related post is “Why I LOVE Lucky Magazine!” hahaha

    1. Also, that automatically generated post kind of blows. Umm, and the other automatically generated post? Is about where to shop on the game SECOND LIFE. *Cough cough LOSERS Cough*

      LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS. But I will love you through it. And plan an intervention.

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