Grammy Fashion BOMBS

What exactly is the dress code for the Grammys? We have full length gowns on some, semi-nudity on others, and jeans and t-shirts on some. It does lend itself to more fashion risks, but some have gone right on over the edge! Last night’s Grammy awards had some real fashion flops. I decided to pick out some of the offenders, re-style them in high-end fashion, and find a budget alternative to my re-style.

Let’s start with Rebecca Black.

Love her or hate her, she’s ridden her song and her grudge all the way to the Grammys. But she decided to show up as a goth cupcake, with shoes that match the red carpet.

Rebecca Black Grammy

Alice Olivia tiered dress, $645
Miss Me embellished dress, $44
Badgley Mischka blue pumps, $210

I think the tiers could be taken down a bit. I would put her in a young, fresh, Alice + Olivia dress in blue, with a lighter blue shoe that would pop on the red carpet. Less cupcake, more fashionable.

Next up, Bonnie Raitt. That lady is the opposite of Rebecca Black–she’s been to a few Grammy awards in her time, and she has a ton of talent. But Contempo Casual called, and they want their pants set back.

Bonnie Raitt Grammy

Fitted sheath dress, $40
L Agence bodycon dress, $495
Haider Ackermann coat, €3.150

Sure, she’s of an age where it’s probably better to get a little more coverage, but how about taking the gathered copper shirt and trading it out for a metallic sheath? A jacket with copper accents would be perfectly age-appropriate, too.

Speaking of age-appropriate, good mercy, Sheila E.! How can you go out in your shorts? They are so not appropriate for a woman in her 50′s. This is not living The Glamorous Life, lady!

Sheila E.

Alexander McQueen belted dress, $4,970
Dorothy Perkins belted dress, $35

Let’s ditch the whole “tux jacket and shorts” thing (played out!) entirely. And the color white. Sure, you got a pair of great pins, but play up your gracefulness instead. Yellow would be a great color for her, and a chiffon dress is stylish, but again, age and body-appropriate.

How about Fergie? She decided to use a doily tablecloth with puffed sleeves! Sounds so gracious and old-fashioned, only she forgot to put anything under it. But hey, she remembered her Grammy panties! Nope, sorry–those are her GRANNY panties.

Fergie Grammy

Color block dress, $22
Roksanda Ilincic block dress, $1,538

I love the orange. I wanted to use that as a starting place. Maybe the dress is a little conservative for Fergie, but it’s so beautifully draped, and the color next to the face is so stunning. She could style it up and make it fantastic. It definitely would be a step up from what she actually wore.

Snooki, international reality “star” and Jersey Girl, showed up in a skin-tight dress that made her boobs look wonky. Sorry. I think I’ve seen her in every iteration of this long-sleeved cheap jersey dress.

Snooki Grammy

Hervé Léger rayon dress, £538
RHYTHM bright colored dress, $43
Hervé Léger rayon dress, £538

If you’re going skintight, then go to the master of skintight–Herve Leger. The stripes here are fantastic, and the pattern makes the body look like a classic hourglass. But for goodness sake, choose the right size, rather than 2 sizes too small!

Choreographer LaurieAnn Gibson was obviously going for a badass look. Leather, leather, leather, black and red, spikes, and an a-ti-tude. First of all, it reads a little too “pleather”, and a lot too “Matrix”.

LaurieAnn Gibson Grammy

Chloé cap sleeve dress, £620
Dorothy Perkins creme dress, $29
Sam Edelman high heel shoes, $243
Studded shoes, $46

I’m not opposed to some leather. But make it in an unusual shape. Juxtapose hard and soft: a full skirt and light color in leather, a feminine shoe with spikes.

The train wreck of all train wrecks–sorry, my dear, you’re very talented–was Robyn. This pop singer showed up in a white dress, with a short dress, with a train, with a Hanes t-shirt neck, with the ugliest shoes ever. It was hideous. She looked washed out and weird.

Robyn Grammy

River Island one shoulder dress, $39
Halston long ball gown, £626

I didn’t even know where to start here. I took the idea of asymmetry, but that was pretty much it. A Halston dress with asymmetric sleeves in a beautiful color seemed like a major upgrade, both for her skin and her body. (Just a note about the budget version–it is see-through. Please don’t wear it as such. Be an old-fashioned lady, and put a slip on under it.)

Other observations about Grammy Style:

* Anne V, Adam Levine’s girlfriend, had a slit in her dress so high and deep that I’m pretty sure I know what the “V” stands for.
*Whiz Khalifa needs some concealer for those undereye circles.
*Love Swizz Beatz purple jacket. Not so much his purple tie.
*I love that Diana Krall and Elvis Costello are still married. They both need a little fizz in their fashion, though.
*CoCo (as in Ice Loves CoCo) needs to learn what all big-bosomed ladies need to learn: a bra-style top will never fit right.
*Sasha Gradiva, were you not loved enough as a child? Is that the reason for the attention-seeking?
*Confession: I loved Katy Perry’s whole look. Even though it was a little “Marge Simpson”.
*Kings of Leon are pretty.
*Yvette Nicole Brown, I see you holding your dress away from your body so it doesn’t cling to the wrong spots. I’m guilty of doing that myself. But how about just wearing a different dress, girl?
*I think it’s kind of hilarious that Deadmau5 wore a tee-shirt with Skrillex’s real phone number on it. Even though I don’t really know who either of those two people are, and I had to look up that information.
*Nicki Minaj needs to go to confession just for wearing that outfit. But her new boyfriend seems nice.

Check out some Grammy fashion on People.com.
Grammy fashion loves and hates, anyone?

Fug Me Friday: Too Tight, Too Short Dresses

While watching Jersey Shore yesterday, I commented to my Shore-watching gChat partner, Danielle, that I’m sick of seeing Snooki looking like a sausage in a too-tight casing.  Her preference seems to be the super-tight dresses where if she moves her thighs apart more than two inches, the whole thing rides up her hips and shows her “kooka”.

It absolutely does her figure no favors.  Her best looks have been when she’s in something non-stretch, but apparently dresses with Lycra go best with ratty foam slippers.  Unfortunately, she’s not the only celebrity who seems to think that stretch is best.

I have nothing against Kim Kardashian.  I think she’s a gorgeous girl with an ass that won’t quit.  I actually am glad she is proud of showing off her figure.  But there’s a difference between choosing dresses that are tailored to your figure and ones that cling to everything.  This particular dress looks like it’s cutting into her cleavage.

Katy Perry’s latex dress phase was scary.  I doubt that girl could have eaten more than a peanut before wearing one of these.  One wonders how she could get the lung capacity in a dress this tight to sing her songs live!  I feel like at the end of the night, as Russell Brand helped her peel her clothing off, she would be left with livid red marks on her boobs and her thighs from the compression.

I’ve always felt Mariah Carey’s wardrobe reflects her madness.  Anyone else out there remember when she was first on the scene, with her glass-shattering voice and her marriage to Tommy Mottola?  She was all demure and sweet.  Then she got a divorce and became her “own woman”, and then did that song where she was all hoochie-dressed and singing with Ol’ Dirty Bastard?  Since then, her wardrobe choices have been all about the tight and short.  And they all seem to be the same size, regardless of whether she is the same size.  You would think that her post-Glitter ice cream meltdown on MTV would have taught her something.

I loved Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wardrobe on Ghost Whisperer.  The drapey dresses, the long coats, the neo-Victorian ruffles that at the same time were combined with modern elements to make them fresh.  If only she could carry over some of that flattering style into her real life.  After being criticized for being fat in a bikini, she seems to have struck back by becoming waifish and wearing bandage dresses.  This may be how she landed her Golden-Globes nominated TV Movie role where she plays a hooker who “kind-touches” clients because the economy went south.  (Side note: SERIOUSLY, Hollywood Foreign Press?)

This has to be the most egregious incident of tight-dressery.  This is an actual Mark Fast runway show, where gorgeous model Crystal Renn has been shoved into dresses that show her every bump and lump.  I understand that his message was supposed to be embracing the larger body, and showing that his dresses don’t just look good on stick-thin models, but seriously?  Who would want this?  No wonder Renn looks miserable.

Ladies of the world, let this be a lesson to you.  Don’t trust Herve Leger.  Find clothes that fit impeccably; don’t default to the Lycra.

Wednesday Wants–Late. Jersey Shore Edition, which should make up for the lateness.

I have a secret (in my real life)/not-so-secret (on Twitter) love of Jersey Shore. I anticipate the sweet sweetness of watching those morons beat on each other and spread their venereal diseases around. Every Jersday, I tune in, let my brain go on vacation, and watch Snooki & co. get drunk and show their vajays/abs to the world. It’s blissful.

My friend Ashli tweeted a link to a tee-shirt tonight that I totally want. So Jersey Shore is now going to inform this post, as I want things that are slightly trashy, with a touch o’class.

Here’s the tee-shirt in question:

MVP (Mike, Vinnie and Pauly) have a changing ritual before they go out to the clubs where they change into their tee-shirts and sing a little song that goes “It’s TEE-SHIRT TIIIIIIIME!” It’s beautiful. Makes me weep with joy.

That wee midget Snooki loves her some knee-high socks. While I might not want to wear mis-matched socks with stars or stripes on them out in public, I sure do like these

…for wearing around the house.

Jersey Shore style is all about the tight and the short. Not at all my style. But I have to say, if I had the body…

I might not mind wearing this out. Although I’m sure that the neckline is way too high for your typical Jersey Shore girl. But you won’t look like a grenade, guaranteed.

And last but not least…

A little something for my Snooki pouf. As JWoww said in tonight’s episode as they sprayed their hair to high heaven, “It’s a good thing none of us has asthma.”

And as a little bonus–in case you need to do your makeup just like Snooki–let me introduce you to Glowpinkstah, who makes the most ahem innovative makeup tutorials on YouTube.

Cabs are HEEEEAAAAHHHHHH!