Fug Me Friday: Fug on the Edge

Remember Dirty Dancing? If you haven’t seen it, quit reading this blog right now, for you are not my people. Or quit reading it, go see it, and come back to reading my blog. Okay, it’s just us cool kids now. So, remember that scene where Lisa Houseman was practicing her slightly off-key hula song, and then dropped the bomb that she was going to do a little dirty sheet dancing with that preppy waiter guy?

Yeah.

Note her shorts. Fish shorts. Shorts with fish on them. Or, as I see every time I look at it: fish crotch.

fishcrotch.

UGH.

The latest thing seems to be a slightly more fragrant version of fish crotch: floral crotch.

Skinny floral pants seem to be cropping up as we head into spring, and I just don’t know if I can support this at all. First of all, LiLo is wearing it. That has to be a bad sign. Never trust a girl who is quickly turning herself into Donatella Versace.

She’s not the only starlet around town rocking the trend. It’s out there.

I can’t help but think of all the pitfalls of this look, however. Heaven forbid you get a wedgie; you’d look like you were using your crack for a vase!

Not to mention how rich a mine this would be for the wags who wants to joke about your “lady garden”.

Those young folks.

And Charlotte Church is rocking a rather 90’s version of the trend. I think I owned these in college. Stop going through my trash, C.C.!

I do have to give Mr. Steven Tyler some props. It takes some balls to wear florals. I’m not saying they look good, though.

Sometimes I look at the floral pants and think, “maybe I’ll eventually like them.” Next summer, or even later this year. But then I think, “if the Material Girl couldn’t even do them justice in her prime, what hope do the rest of us have?”

Floral skinnies? Fishcrotch? Would you try either? What if you could carry a watermelon?

Fug Me Friday: Crocs

Let’s get it out there right now, shall we? I DON’T CARE THAT THEY’RE COMFORTABLE. If the experience was like being carried by a host of angels while having soft kittens undulating softly underfoot, I still wouldn’t wear them. Well, maybe, but only at home. Never out.

They are foam. They are neon colored. They have ventilation holes, which don’t actually prevent your feet from being smelly. The toe box is slightly flared, making your feet look cartoonish. To me, this is a whole host of reasons to avoid Crocs, but some celebrities persist.

Signs of a marriage in trouble?

Apparently, Brooke Shields even thinks that they are formal wear. But it does solve the whole dilemma of what shoes to wear with a bright pink circus tent.

If you do persist, you will have to bear the ignominy of sharing the same footwear brand as Iggy Pop and Steven Tyler. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

*Exceptions: You may wear Crocs if you are:
–Pregnant
–A Chef
–A Child

That’s it.

Fug Me Friday: Forever Lazy

There’s nothing like a day off to catch up on some daytime television. While watching HGTV on Monday while I was off for Columbus Day, I saw this commercial:

And I DIED. I thought a Snuggie was bad! But this is like an Extreme Snuggie–for when you’re too lazy to take your arms out and throw the Snuggie off to walk around.

Basically, this is a less-sexy version of a Union Suit. (Let’s not get into why the Union Suit can be sexy. I’m an old fashioned girl. Who used to have romantic notions about Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Okay?) A Union Suit is ye olde underwear that is all one piece, and very handy for the colder climes in winter.

Maybe they're sexy because right after this they took those suits off and went to breakfast naked except for blankets. Maybe?

But let’s be honest. This is not so much a Union Suit with its accompanying hint of the male form as much as an adult footy pajama. In a limited color selection. Without the feet.

Two things about this commercial, and the Forever Lazy, that baffle me are as follows:

PEOPLE ARE PICTURED OUTSIDE IN THESE ABOMINATIONS. Get off your deck, sir and madam, for the neighbors are laughing at you.

Not only are people outside, it is advertised as being appropriate for tailgating. Ladies, if you are wearing these to go tailgating, go ahead and stay at home. It’s better. And gentlemen, if you are wearing a Forever Lazy to a sporting event, you may no longer call yourself a real man. Get someone to cut your balls off and you can carry them around in a satin pouch. GAME OVER.

The second shocking Forever Lazy feature: a BUTT FLAP. When you are too lazy to take off your lazy clothes to take a lazy bathroom break. Just don’t get too lazy to pull the zipper down all the way, k?

http://www.nataliedee.com/

Fug Me Friday: Novelty Bathing Suits

Hey beach bunnies! I know you’re unique, and you want the world to know it. And there are a ton of bathing suits out there for you to choose from. I know it’s difficult to find just the right suit, one that flatters your body, covers all the problem areas and reveals all the good stuff, but to find one that also allows your freak flag to fly is difficult. Or is it…? I submit to you a gallery of bad ideas for those who are just too special for normal suits.

These are definitely the Jedi you seek.

This suit says “I’m ready to monkey around”.

Making all the boys snap a salute.

My top turns invisible, just like my plane. Okay, really my boobs just pop out.

This suit is guaranteed to make you look thin.

Vagina Dentata.

Makes an ill-fitting bikini look good, doesn’t it?

Fug Me Friday: Jumpsuits

Horrified. HORRIFIED. That’s the only way to describe my reaction when I saw this video.

First of all, I didn’t need to hear Andre Leon Talley yelling “JUST VOID!” Nor did I need the pee-pee dance or the toilet noise. But mostly, I didn’t need the proclamation that jumpsuits are NOT going away! They are so many shades of wrong.

Tyra got obsessed with the jumpsuit a couple of “cycles” ago on ANTM, and I remember my friend Olivia and I totally making fun of them.

Because they’re ridiculous. And camel toe is prevalent. And they’re ugly.

The jumpsuit has embraced the weird. Tight legs, angular lines, shiny fabrics.

I’ve worn a jumpsuit in my day. I have. But they cannot come back! Soon it will come full circle, and like me, you’ll be wearing a pinstripe palazzo pant jumpsuit. SAY NO.

Oh, Tina Fey, I love you. Why do you do this?

BACK AWAY FROM THE JUMPSUIT.

Fug Me Friday: Head-to-Toe Animal Print

There is a fallacy that if animal print = sexy, then more animal print = really sexy! In my opinion, however, imitating a large jungle cat, a zebra, or a giraffe is more than a little overdone. A bit of leopard–sexy. So much leopard that Masai warriors give chase–not sexy.

Let’s look at some celebrity examples.

Let’s start with Paz de la Heurta. This actress dresses koo koo krazy at the best of times. She has a nutty fashion sense. Here she takes it a step further with two different size animal prints. But the shape isn’t bad, and it kind of goes with her hair, despite the overwhelming pattern.

Oh, AnnaLynne McCord. Another fashion disaster in the best of times. She is dual fugging–both too short, too tight, and animal print. I don’t think the dress could get much tinier.

Eva Mendes is obviously mad for animal print. MAD, I say! She’s a repeat offender.

Even the trendsetter Victoria Beckham is guilty. And also guilty of dual fug. And really scary hair.

Nail in the coffin: Paris Hilton. PARIS HILTON. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING, PARIS HILTON?!?

There are no words.

If you’re going to go with the animal print, choose just a subtle bit–not head-to-toe. A sexy shoe, like this one from Pelle Moda Issa would work nicely.

Fug Me Friday: Self-Congratulatory Tees

I am not a huge fan of the message tee. My boobs attract enough attention without people reading them. But there’s a subsection of the message tee that I can’t stand. Second-hand embarrassing on teenagers, inexcusable on adults, they send a message that is the opposite of intended. Your tee may say “I’m Awesome”, but usually, you’re anything but. Today, I’ll translate what I think these shirts are actually saying.

1. “I have a boyfriend. I’m not a loser after all.”
2. “I am insecure about my relationship, clingy, and slightly stalker-ish.”
(This tee is the sartorial equivalent to a giant neck hickey–tacky, unnecessary, and cringe-worthy.)

“I’m unpopular and have the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old.”

1. “I’m a slut.”
2. “I’m not a slut but I want people to think I could be a slut.”
3. “…And now he’ll probably cheat on me, too.”

“Relationship me up NOW.”

“I’m a sad cat lady.”

“That’s a command.”

At least the last one’s honest.

Until next Friday–be careful what your boobs are saying.