Fug Me Friday: Fug on the Edge

Remember Dirty Dancing? If you haven’t seen it, quit reading this blog right now, for you are not my people. Or quit reading it, go see it, and come back to reading my blog. Okay, it’s just us cool kids now. So, remember that scene where Lisa Houseman was practicing her slightly off-key hula song, and then dropped the bomb that she was going to do a little dirty sheet dancing with that preppy waiter guy?

Yeah.

Note her shorts. Fish shorts. Shorts with fish on them. Or, as I see every time I look at it: fish crotch.

fishcrotch.

UGH.

The latest thing seems to be a slightly more fragrant version of fish crotch: floral crotch.

Skinny floral pants seem to be cropping up as we head into spring, and I just don’t know if I can support this at all. First of all, LiLo is wearing it. That has to be a bad sign. Never trust a girl who is quickly turning herself into Donatella Versace.

She’s not the only starlet around town rocking the trend. It’s out there.

I can’t help but think of all the pitfalls of this look, however. Heaven forbid you get a wedgie; you’d look like you were using your crack for a vase!

Not to mention how rich a mine this would be for the wags who wants to joke about your “lady garden”.

Those young folks.

And Charlotte Church is rocking a rather 90′s version of the trend. I think I owned these in college. Stop going through my trash, C.C.!

I do have to give Mr. Steven Tyler some props. It takes some balls to wear florals. I’m not saying they look good, though.

Sometimes I look at the floral pants and think, “maybe I’ll eventually like them.” Next summer, or even later this year. But then I think, “if the Material Girl couldn’t even do them justice in her prime, what hope do the rest of us have?”

Floral skinnies? Fishcrotch? Would you try either? What if you could carry a watermelon?

Fug Me Friday: Crocs

Let’s get it out there right now, shall we? I DON’T CARE THAT THEY’RE COMFORTABLE. If the experience was like being carried by a host of angels while having soft kittens undulating softly underfoot, I still wouldn’t wear them. Well, maybe, but only at home. Never out.

They are foam. They are neon colored. They have ventilation holes, which don’t actually prevent your feet from being smelly. The toe box is slightly flared, making your feet look cartoonish. To me, this is a whole host of reasons to avoid Crocs, but some celebrities persist.

Signs of a marriage in trouble?

Apparently, Brooke Shields even thinks that they are formal wear. But it does solve the whole dilemma of what shoes to wear with a bright pink circus tent.

If you do persist, you will have to bear the ignominy of sharing the same footwear brand as Iggy Pop and Steven Tyler. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

*Exceptions: You may wear Crocs if you are:
–Pregnant
–A Chef
–A Child

That’s it.

Fug Me Friday: Forever Lazy

There’s nothing like a day off to catch up on some daytime television. While watching HGTV on Monday while I was off for Columbus Day, I saw this commercial:

And I DIED. I thought a Snuggie was bad! But this is like an Extreme Snuggie–for when you’re too lazy to take your arms out and throw the Snuggie off to walk around.

Basically, this is a less-sexy version of a Union Suit. (Let’s not get into why the Union Suit can be sexy. I’m an old fashioned girl. Who used to have romantic notions about Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Okay?) A Union Suit is ye olde underwear that is all one piece, and very handy for the colder climes in winter.

Maybe they're sexy because right after this they took those suits off and went to breakfast naked except for blankets. Maybe?

But let’s be honest. This is not so much a Union Suit with its accompanying hint of the male form as much as an adult footy pajama. In a limited color selection. Without the feet.

Two things about this commercial, and the Forever Lazy, that baffle me are as follows:

PEOPLE ARE PICTURED OUTSIDE IN THESE ABOMINATIONS. Get off your deck, sir and madam, for the neighbors are laughing at you.

Not only are people outside, it is advertised as being appropriate for tailgating. Ladies, if you are wearing these to go tailgating, go ahead and stay at home. It’s better. And gentlemen, if you are wearing a Forever Lazy to a sporting event, you may no longer call yourself a real man. Get someone to cut your balls off and you can carry them around in a satin pouch. GAME OVER.

The second shocking Forever Lazy feature: a BUTT FLAP. When you are too lazy to take off your lazy clothes to take a lazy bathroom break. Just don’t get too lazy to pull the zipper down all the way, k?

http://www.nataliedee.com/

Fug Me Friday: Novelty Bathing Suits

Hey beach bunnies! I know you’re unique, and you want the world to know it. And there are a ton of bathing suits out there for you to choose from. I know it’s difficult to find just the right suit, one that flatters your body, covers all the problem areas and reveals all the good stuff, but to find one that also allows your freak flag to fly is difficult. Or is it…? I submit to you a gallery of bad ideas for those who are just too special for normal suits.

These are definitely the Jedi you seek.

This suit says “I’m ready to monkey around”.

Making all the boys snap a salute.

My top turns invisible, just like my plane. Okay, really my boobs just pop out.

This suit is guaranteed to make you look thin.

Vagina Dentata.

Makes an ill-fitting bikini look good, doesn’t it?

Fug Me Friday: Jumpsuits

Horrified. HORRIFIED. That’s the only way to describe my reaction when I saw this video.

First of all, I didn’t need to hear Andre Leon Talley yelling “JUST VOID!” Nor did I need the pee-pee dance or the toilet noise. But mostly, I didn’t need the proclamation that jumpsuits are NOT going away! They are so many shades of wrong.

Tyra got obsessed with the jumpsuit a couple of “cycles” ago on ANTM, and I remember my friend Olivia and I totally making fun of them.

Because they’re ridiculous. And camel toe is prevalent. And they’re ugly.

The jumpsuit has embraced the weird. Tight legs, angular lines, shiny fabrics.

I’ve worn a jumpsuit in my day. I have. But they cannot come back! Soon it will come full circle, and like me, you’ll be wearing a pinstripe palazzo pant jumpsuit. SAY NO.

Oh, Tina Fey, I love you. Why do you do this?

BACK AWAY FROM THE JUMPSUIT.

Fug Me Friday: Head-to-Toe Animal Print

There is a fallacy that if animal print = sexy, then more animal print = really sexy! In my opinion, however, imitating a large jungle cat, a zebra, or a giraffe is more than a little overdone. A bit of leopard–sexy. So much leopard that Masai warriors give chase–not sexy.

Let’s look at some celebrity examples.

Let’s start with Paz de la Heurta. This actress dresses koo koo krazy at the best of times. She has a nutty fashion sense. Here she takes it a step further with two different size animal prints. But the shape isn’t bad, and it kind of goes with her hair, despite the overwhelming pattern.

Oh, AnnaLynne McCord. Another fashion disaster in the best of times. She is dual fugging–both too short, too tight, and animal print. I don’t think the dress could get much tinier.

Eva Mendes is obviously mad for animal print. MAD, I say! She’s a repeat offender.

Even the trendsetter Victoria Beckham is guilty. And also guilty of dual fug. And really scary hair.

Nail in the coffin: Paris Hilton. PARIS HILTON. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING, PARIS HILTON?!?

There are no words.

If you’re going to go with the animal print, choose just a subtle bit–not head-to-toe. A sexy shoe, like this one from Pelle Moda Issa would work nicely.

Fug Me Friday: Self-Congratulatory Tees

I am not a huge fan of the message tee. My boobs attract enough attention without people reading them. But there’s a subsection of the message tee that I can’t stand. Second-hand embarrassing on teenagers, inexcusable on adults, they send a message that is the opposite of intended. Your tee may say “I’m Awesome”, but usually, you’re anything but. Today, I’ll translate what I think these shirts are actually saying.

1. “I have a boyfriend. I’m not a loser after all.”
2. “I am insecure about my relationship, clingy, and slightly stalker-ish.”
(This tee is the sartorial equivalent to a giant neck hickey–tacky, unnecessary, and cringe-worthy.)

“I’m unpopular and have the emotional maturity of a 12-year-old.”

1. “I’m a slut.”
2. “I’m not a slut but I want people to think I could be a slut.”
3. “…And now he’ll probably cheat on me, too.”

“Relationship me up NOW.”

“I’m a sad cat lady.”

“That’s a command.”

At least the last one’s honest.

Until next Friday–be careful what your boobs are saying.

Fug Me Friday: Too Tight, Too Short Dresses

While watching Jersey Shore yesterday, I commented to my Shore-watching gChat partner, Danielle, that I’m sick of seeing Snooki looking like a sausage in a too-tight casing.  Her preference seems to be the super-tight dresses where if she moves her thighs apart more than two inches, the whole thing rides up her hips and shows her “kooka”.

It absolutely does her figure no favors.  Her best looks have been when she’s in something non-stretch, but apparently dresses with Lycra go best with ratty foam slippers.  Unfortunately, she’s not the only celebrity who seems to think that stretch is best.

I have nothing against Kim Kardashian.  I think she’s a gorgeous girl with an ass that won’t quit.  I actually am glad she is proud of showing off her figure.  But there’s a difference between choosing dresses that are tailored to your figure and ones that cling to everything.  This particular dress looks like it’s cutting into her cleavage.

Katy Perry’s latex dress phase was scary.  I doubt that girl could have eaten more than a peanut before wearing one of these.  One wonders how she could get the lung capacity in a dress this tight to sing her songs live!  I feel like at the end of the night, as Russell Brand helped her peel her clothing off, she would be left with livid red marks on her boobs and her thighs from the compression.

I’ve always felt Mariah Carey’s wardrobe reflects her madness.  Anyone else out there remember when she was first on the scene, with her glass-shattering voice and her marriage to Tommy Mottola?  She was all demure and sweet.  Then she got a divorce and became her “own woman”, and then did that song where she was all hoochie-dressed and singing with Ol’ Dirty Bastard?  Since then, her wardrobe choices have been all about the tight and short.  And they all seem to be the same size, regardless of whether she is the same size.  You would think that her post-Glitter ice cream meltdown on MTV would have taught her something.

I loved Jennifer Love Hewitt’s wardrobe on Ghost Whisperer.  The drapey dresses, the long coats, the neo-Victorian ruffles that at the same time were combined with modern elements to make them fresh.  If only she could carry over some of that flattering style into her real life.  After being criticized for being fat in a bikini, she seems to have struck back by becoming waifish and wearing bandage dresses.  This may be how she landed her Golden-Globes nominated TV Movie role where she plays a hooker who “kind-touches” clients because the economy went south.  (Side note: SERIOUSLY, Hollywood Foreign Press?)

This has to be the most egregious incident of tight-dressery.  This is an actual Mark Fast runway show, where gorgeous model Crystal Renn has been shoved into dresses that show her every bump and lump.  I understand that his message was supposed to be embracing the larger body, and showing that his dresses don’t just look good on stick-thin models, but seriously?  Who would want this?  No wonder Renn looks miserable.

Ladies of the world, let this be a lesson to you.  Don’t trust Herve Leger.  Find clothes that fit impeccably; don’t default to the Lycra.

Fug Me (Out of Necessity) Friday: Puffer Jackets

I am guilty of my own fug.

I hang my head in shame as I admit this.  My fug has some deep roots, and I just can’t seem to give it up.  I have a variety of really stylish coats and jackets–fur collar, houndstooth check, sassy raincoat, etc.  Yet every morning I trudge downstairs and grab my puffer jacket.  Not only does it make me look hideous, but it’s reversible–black to lime green.  And it buttons in front.  And the buttons gape.  My humiliation is complete.

Models and actresses can occasionally make these wearable sleeping bags look good.  But for the rest of us, you know, that have more than 1% body fat, we look like, wellllll…YOU KNOW:

Not all puffer coats are alike.  Some have belted waists, which look better, and some have strategic quilting that makes you look a little less boxy.  But let’s face it–you’re swaddling your body in down feathers; you want to have some bulk there.  And bulk you have.

It is a practical item, and I hesitate to harp at it because it is a necessity for cold weather climes, but I just wish there were a better option.  Something that didn’t make you look like you’re wearing your comforter out.  At least if y0u do wear one, make it practical.  I have no idea what the designer of this jacket was thinking:

Try to avoid the patent leather look.  The shinier the coat, the worse the look gets.  Looking like you’re drowning in a trash bag   just doesn’t cut it.  It looks like bad fetish wear.  And speaking of fetishes–the idea that sparked this whole post off was this article in Viceland.com entitled Oedipus Would Have Loved Puffer Jackets, about those who have a fetish about the coat.  NSFW and disturbing, though the video of pretty girls in puffer jackets was (mostly) laughable.  I think it MIGHT just be what I needed to scare me into another coat come Monday morning.

Fug Me Friday: The Pauly D Blowout

In a kind of mini “part 2″ to my Jersey Shore post yesterday, I thought I would mention something that really DOESN’T work for me: Pauly D’s hair. In my neck of the woods, it actually is a rather popular hairstyle. This gravity-defying hairstyle, ostensibly styled in a wind tunnel, employs a ton of hair gel. I believe it might be impossible to actually run one’s fingers through.

This is the original and still the best. But he’s not the only one in entertainment with that style. Zach Efron was recently spotted with a modified blowout.

Oh, Zefron, that’s not how you mend a broken heart.

Apparently this is some guy on a professional football team (note how much I know about such things):

Molto Guido. And it has definitely made its way into the masses, for people who GTL together, and want to look alike in their d-bagginess:

(The crispy tan and duckface is definitely a BONUS.)

However, this remains one of my favorite moments ever:

Oh, Michael Cera. I heart you.